So Let's Cause A Scene...

jesus its about time i updated.
but im not saying much because nothing much is going on. rephrase. nothing much that i would like to inform anyone of.
except.
bright eyes in november. i think everyone at school is going to. so famous.

too bad school has started. i miss summer and being able to do whatever i wanted and the job that gave me a check every friday. not having money really bites.

soccer, im in love. i really am so happy i'm back and hope our season is super, wait i know it will be.

party time is coming up. everyone get ready!!!!

all i want is to lose weight and for summer to end.

sometimes i feel like wasting away.

this entry is horribly depressing so i've got to find something good to say, quick.

the arboredum helped me find peace in the day. to sit and feel the sun melt my face was bliss. and people-watching is...i don't know the best way to describe it. but i love seeing new faces, smiling, and saying hello to people without feeling, anything but happy.

i want to blow bubbles like the times at my parties.

i can't wait to play with Beau. my sweet adorable puppy.

my character is out of alignment. i stop -and stare -and think -and sit too much.

but thankfully i live in berea/and lexington presently.
if i was on a tv show---i would be skinned alive.

name your favorite memory that made your summer incredible?

tell me something that made it disasterous?

have you watched dawsons creek or at least woken up to it?

please people give me some feedback, some real honest answers

timmys drunk and he called tess 3 times. oh god she will be pissed. hes going crazy about courtney and yelling about girls and who i should be with...yaddy yadda. poor guy. i love him to death. i just finished my watermelon and i feel really heavy and hot. but im not slurring or speaking in a ridiculous manner. anyways nothing im writing is important. im so sad and not sad. that doesn't make sense. i just miss you baby and want to see you as soon as i can...i love you like i love blow-fish kisses.

love the baby

it is the FOURTH OF JULY! i'm heading to the parade in 30 and i know the heat will keep constant in trying to melt us. i'll write more after the sunny event.

i have yet to tell you how i feel. i just haven't gotten completely wasted to do so. and that is all i am needing right now. but no matter what i think or try or say you may in return be akward, uncomfortable, and resistent to speak or be near. what am i to do? stay without, be consistent with my time spent with friends, and delete the reactions i get when i hear you. bear with me in this matter. it is not meant to be depressing. here is the truth in my life that i allow myself to speak of only in my dear livejournal. i might as well quit now before i send out the wrong intentions. hopefully i can breathe easier now that i've gotten this piece off my chest.

right now this is how it looks.
a large garage being used for a hang out. 3 computers close to each other but not in a perfect row. kandice at one. farah. then timmy. we are together yet all zoned into our own thing on the computer. what's the deal? i do not know. but im bored waiting for natalie to call so i'm updating my journal.

i want:
blow-fish kisses.
long hugs.
to tell YOU that i like you.
feel healthy.
and comfortable in my skin.
talk to natalie like i used to.
have an hour convo with helen.
to tell YOU that i miss you so much.
to get a letter in the mail.
see the white stripes in concert.
grow my hair, then cut it for a better haircut.
write a song that i would listen to over and over.
to not be hit by girls.
to have a better relationship with my grandma.
to skinny-dip in the day time at the lake.
to go camping.
tim to stop drinking...so much.

So far today I've slept till 2, argued with my grandmother about me having lesbian orgy's, saw natalie's new fab haircut at the mall, and bought 2 bracelets at Sqecial Media! Wow. Nothing. But i will write about my fantastic last night.
Stephanie and Kandice showed up around 9something and we finished off 'True Life' with apple juices and the donuts I lovingly got free for Kandice. ha. After a while Nana & Tim came home from a shopping spree and Kandice freaked out about carrying in groceries. Though Stephanie was calm and collective; she made things go a little smoother for my nerves. Anyways we finally decided around 10:10 we would go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith at 10:35 at Regal. Shit..we were low on time. We hurried out and listen to Stephanie argue with her parents, then made some shitty plan to pull past them after they parked. But that got screwed up cause Kandice told her to turn on the wrong road and that delayed us EVEN MORE. I thought we'd never make it. But when we did the cocaine druggy directed us to the wrong movie which was half-way over because the idiot girl at the ticket booth gave us Batman tickets. She was too concentrated on wanting Stephanie to come back to say hi to her. Freak! The movie was good, not that I would watch it again cause it was 2fuckinghours. we got gas afterwards and the weird guy inside was wearing airwalks. interesting enough i used to wear those when i was 10 or 11. so i convinced them to stay the night which worked out horribly because i got bitched at this morning for waking jeff up since we were LOUD, thanks, and i was accused of having an orgy. with tim, and them? hell no. i think not as well as you 3.
it was fun while it lasted all night. we ate the entire bag of chewy chips ahoy...well kandice and tim did. and stephanies apple juice saved me!
okay. that wasn't very exciting and thats okay cause i know how much fun i had making fun of kandice this morning. hun, you're a trooper.. and a football star. i heart you.

besides that: here is my latest favorite song that i relate to in many ways. im learning to play it so check me up about it when you see me.

I was on your porch, the smoke sank into my skin so i came inside to be with you and we talked all night, about everything
We could imagine cause come the morning ill be gone and as our eyes start to close i turn to you and i let you know that i
Love you well my dad was sick and my mom she cared for him her love it nursed him back to life and me i ran, i couldnt even
Look at him for fear id have to say goodbye and as i start to leave he grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me whats left
To lose, youve done enough and if you fail well then you fail but not to us cause these last three years, i know theyve been
Hard but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun even if its alone so now here i sit, in a hotel off of
Sunset my thoughts bounce off of sams guitar and thats the way its been, ever since we were kids but now, now weve got
Something to prove and i, i can see there eyes but tell me something, can they see mine cause whats left to lose, ive done
Enough and if i fail well then i fail but i gave it a shot and these last three years, i know theyve been hard but now its
Time to get out of the desert and into the sun even if its alone i was on your porch last nite, the smoke it sank into my
Skin

no more depressing entries. what do you say?
So I've been on this long project with my music and not yet have I found the perfect band name. Hit me up with suggestions.
On the bright side I spent my evening yesterday with 3 beautiful women. No I did not pay them. In fact they are awesome,intelligent, friends and I am SO lucky to have them. Except. We were hanging out for a reason, a sad reason. Tess is leaving for GSP Saturday. Not fair! 6 weeks...is.too.long.
Today I was planning on attending the TEK Benefit Concert but the boat/lake sounds much more exciting and summer time like. Right? We'll round the country roads with the system blaring, "but this day by the lake went too fast.." Natalie will floor it up and down the hills and I'll try for pictures of the farms and horses if I think its worth the shot. And then Tim will flip through Layla, find The Format, and hit First Single cause we've all learned that song now and its get everyone upbeat. Arriving at the lake should be a quiet scene. We should be tired from the 45 minute drive and I'll hit the water like a brick. ----YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THEY'VE SEEN TOO MUCH.

what i wish for......in general.

to find a band name.
create my own cd.
make people laugh.
see an old friend and tell them what they mean to me.
tell a girl i've had a secret crush on her.
or for her to tell me. ha.
say hello to a stranger.
to not be selfish.
write one song in my whole life as well as Connor's.

i've been on a cruise with Miss Adorable for a couple months now. but the captain was distracted with all the beautiful mountains and glorious sights along the way tonight; and sank the ship.
i am no longer at a high with the bullshit we call summer flings/summer romance/puppy love/our teenage years.
for me i've been a failure. i feel my whole world has been disrupted and i'm not connecting with anyone. i can't talk to the friends who are trying to pull me up out of the hole. i can't look at them without the gloomy solid look on my face.
with each unstructured comment the flight of stairs finally tumbled into old,unused,rubble.
i hope we can still be friends.
i do love you.
i dont know what's wrong with me.
i think my nephew is on funniest home videos.
laughing in the background.
things will change when we go back to school.
i have mixed feelings.
i dont know what i want.
you dont really mean that.
you deserve better.
i said i'd call you back.
i cant explain anything to you.
i hope you get better and happy.
im incapable.
i dont know how im feeling.
TO SUM IT UP: nothing was productive. im a cryer. im not strong. she doesn't care, does it sound like it? she doesn't recognize i need her to say. im sorry, ill make it work, we can fix this, i love you enough to try.
that's too much to ask? so i should go on like it never happened.
I'M ALREADY MISSING:
kisses. short.and long.in the car.outside.under water.on the futon.on the hand.cheek.ear.
hugs are so different with you.
laughing so hard we fall to the ground.
scary car rides and holding onto for dear life..to each other.
telling stories of our pasts and understanding..each other.
paying for dinner and not caring about it.
back massages.
pool time.
telling jokes.stories.white lies to make it sound better.
holding hands like its so important.
surprises.
long rides to our destinations because they are always worth it.
livejournaling.
laying under the stars.
singing to you.
writing songs for you.
missing you.
loving you.
telling you you are beautiful.
--i can't go on. but i dedicate trouble sleeping to you always.

where are you, love, im trying to find you...